Just a little closer to me

Scared:

 I am afraid that I won’t/can’t be strong enough to defend myself, or a future lover from harm. Sometimes I am afraid I will be too strong. I am afraid that I will lose my family, that they will never understand who I am, that they won't understand that my body is still my temple, I just alter it to make all the pieces fit the way I think they should. I am afraid my family will think I am rejecting them, and rejecting Judaism. I am afraid I will regret any decision I make to go forward... or not. I am afraid that new people in my life will not understand or accept my past, or reject my present because of my past. I was a very feminine child, it took me this long to realize that who I was is ok and who I am is ok and neither changes either. I am afraid that because I couldn’t accept my past, because I had to explain it away that others will too. I am afraid that others will see my past as an excuse to not accept my present. I am afraid of lying, pretending, cheating, running, hurting the ones I love. I am afraid of the fear, violence, pain, confusion, death... that others might create for me. 

A friend reminded me last night that you have to "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss. 

And with that it gives me the strength to say I am still afraid of the outside world, of rejection, but I am no longer afraid of myself. 

 My dad's ex-girlfriend (I still consider her my stepmom) and I had a conversation about me yesterday. About whether or not I'm trans. About surgeries, about testosterone, about binding... It was scary to talk about because honestly I don't know the answers to most of the questions she asked. But it was also helpful for me. She asked me questions on how I feel, at first she couldn't see how I, being such the nurturing type could want to change my body. I tried to let her know that I didn't know to what extent I will or will not change my body but that for transgendered people it's not about the personality. Hopefully your personality stays the same. It's about matching brain with body.

She also let me know that basically everyone knows I bind... I should have known that everyone knows... but I guess I thought they were being blissfully ignorant, no such luck. I used to wear a 36C or a 34D. Now it looks like I wear a large A or a small B? Who was I fooling anyhow?

Here's my problem...

I don't want to be seen as a straight man. I can't see myself having a white-picket fence and a wife and 2 1/2 kids... Okay I am totally lying about all of that. I can picture it like it was going to happen tomorrow. Like I was already living there. It seems like a dreamworld a fantasyland. I have that daydream that Shane had on the L Word... the one where she is getting ready for her work day and she's in her suit and tie and the boys are getting ready for school and her girlfriend is making breakfast and pouring orange juice? I know you know the one I'm talking about. I have that dream all the time. 

I also hate my breasts, love everyone else's. I want a penis... but maybe I can just live with strapping one on. Can I just be me? I'm tired of searching for labels that fit me. Butch, femme, trannyboi, transman, boi, dyke, genderqueer, genderfucked, stud, I don't know what else might possibly fit who you think I am... I don't even care. The rest of the world just sees a girl, who usually looks like a guy... who talks to high... I'm just a "me." 

And sometimes I still want to be able to fit under a label... if only to feel safe for a moment. 

oh and P.S.

I was "sir'd" all throughout breakfast the other day! It was fun :)