My Half-Sleeve

 My awesome new half-sleeve. is half-complete! We still have to do the inside of my arm... hopefully in February. 

Maybe none of it matters right now

Maybe none of it matters. Maybe I was just afraid of concentrating on the right now. Afraid of living my life. Maybe it helped me to concentrate on the what-ifs and the who knows? To philosophize everything, overanalyze every inch of my life. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live in this moment. Look back fondly on those moments that make my heart beat more happily and attempt to learn from the mistakes I know I've made and will make. I've had a long week. I met my girlfriend's mother and sister and spent thanksgiving with them. All day Saturday I guiltily watched Grey's Anatomy... all day long.

Sunday my mother called me. She called to tell me that she really didn't want to discuss this over the phone but that her and my step-dad are separating. After being together for over fifteen years. Poof. I like my families. I was comfortable in the crazy wacky world that is my life. I was really happy knowing that we have some strange family dynamics. For the majority of my life I like to say that I had two families and we all fit together very nicely. My mom and papa (dad) they were roommates in an attic in a house full of hippies. My dad was 24, almost 25 and my mom was 30 when I was born. They got married when I was five months old and divorced before I turned three. I was never sad that they weren't together. They are, and have always been, great friends and I hope it remains that way for the rest of my life. My mom dated a couple of guys I barely remember and then when I was five she met my stepdad. They dated for four years before deciding to get married and finally got married when I was ten. I was really excited. I love my stepbrother, my stepdad took some time adjusting to, but I really do love him too. My dad dated some women I wasn't too fond of and then around the time my mom got married, my dad met the most amazing woman who I would love to call my stepmother... They were together for ten years and then broke up two years ago. They still love each other. But my father was too afraid of commitment until it was too late for her. Her daughter is fifteen now, almost sixteen. These are my families. They were all at every birthday, every important event in my life. They all have been there for me through every hell I've given them. I love my family because we're odd and disjointed and some would probably think it's a bit nuts that this year for Rosh Hashana dinner, my mom's mom had my dad, and my dad's ex girlfriend and her daughter and my mom at my grandmother's together when I was all the way across the country, nothing forcing them together. I love my family. But my family seems to be falling apart and I don't know how to hold it together. I need them to stick together. It's the only way I know how to exist in this world is with my crazy family. My stepdad lives in San Francisco now, they're on a "trial separation" I hate that phrase... What does it mean anyways? false hope? does Separation mean they'll actually try? I know in theory I won't lose my stepbrother or my stepdad, they won't disappear from my life. They won't because we all love each other. But I need them to be there. I need them to be there when I come home for my twenty-first birthday, the first time after being gone for seven months. My step-dad has always been the one to calm my mom down enough so she could calm my dad down when I'm about to go after something I want, or get a new tattoo. He's the one not just encouraging me to explore the world, but demanding it. He's the one excited for me, when I'm excited about a new tattoo. He gets it. And he gets when I'm not happy too. I need them all in my life. I need them in life as my family. My crazy-dysfunctional, functional family. I need it to work.

I'm calling it the 'SirMam'

The SirMam is when a person, usually a sales clerk of some kind does the "Sir... I mean... uh.... I'm sorry... Mam?" It happened to me again in DC a few weeks back at Starbucks, what I find funny is that an obviously straight man had done the "Hey baby... how you doin?' " not five minutes prior.

Anywho... I'm settling into East Coast life. Okay maybe not settling in quite yet. I drove up to Vassar today to visit a friend and will be in New York until Friday or Saturday. I love how close everything is on the east coast. Not so much a fan of the nothingness that is my life in rural Maryland. But I'm only an hour outside of Baltimore, 1 1/2 from DC, and three from Manhattan. Maybe two from Philli (sp?)?

Also I'm officially certified as a canoe instructor, a very small part of my new job on the state park. My house runs into the river... literally. The basement floods when it rains. But the backyard is beautiful. I think at some point this year I want to fix the dock. Yes a dock, in my backyard. I live in a beautiful three-bedroom house with a huge backyard that leads to the river for $100 per month. Maybe rural Maryland isn't so bad?

On my way to New York today I saw a rainbow sticker on the back of someone's truck parked at a house in the middle of nowhere Maryland! We exist?! Even where I live? Okay this was probably fourty-five minutes away from where I live, but still!!! Does anyone else get so happy when the see rainbows? If so, I make a lot of people happy when I drive through their states with my rainbow license plate. I've been driving through a lot this past month.

Ciao for now.

Just a little closer to me

Scared:

 I am afraid that I won’t/can’t be strong enough to defend myself, or a future lover from harm. Sometimes I am afraid I will be too strong. I am afraid that I will lose my family, that they will never understand who I am, that they won't understand that my body is still my temple, I just alter it to make all the pieces fit the way I think they should. I am afraid my family will think I am rejecting them, and rejecting Judaism. I am afraid I will regret any decision I make to go forward... or not. I am afraid that new people in my life will not understand or accept my past, or reject my present because of my past. I was a very feminine child, it took me this long to realize that who I was is ok and who I am is ok and neither changes either. I am afraid that because I couldn’t accept my past, because I had to explain it away that others will too. I am afraid that others will see my past as an excuse to not accept my present. I am afraid of lying, pretending, cheating, running, hurting the ones I love. I am afraid of the fear, violence, pain, confusion, death... that others might create for me. 

A friend reminded me last night that you have to "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss. 

And with that it gives me the strength to say I am still afraid of the outside world, of rejection, but I am no longer afraid of myself. 

 My dad's ex-girlfriend (I still consider her my stepmom) and I had a conversation about me yesterday. About whether or not I'm trans. About surgeries, about testosterone, about binding... It was scary to talk about because honestly I don't know the answers to most of the questions she asked. But it was also helpful for me. She asked me questions on how I feel, at first she couldn't see how I, being such the nurturing type could want to change my body. I tried to let her know that I didn't know to what extent I will or will not change my body but that for transgendered people it's not about the personality. Hopefully your personality stays the same. It's about matching brain with body.

She also let me know that basically everyone knows I bind... I should have known that everyone knows... but I guess I thought they were being blissfully ignorant, no such luck. I used to wear a 36C or a 34D. Now it looks like I wear a large A or a small B? Who was I fooling anyhow?

Here's my problem...

I don't want to be seen as a straight man. I can't see myself having a white-picket fence and a wife and 2 1/2 kids... Okay I am totally lying about all of that. I can picture it like it was going to happen tomorrow. Like I was already living there. It seems like a dreamworld a fantasyland. I have that daydream that Shane had on the L Word... the one where she is getting ready for her work day and she's in her suit and tie and the boys are getting ready for school and her girlfriend is making breakfast and pouring orange juice? I know you know the one I'm talking about. I have that dream all the time. 

I also hate my breasts, love everyone else's. I want a penis... but maybe I can just live with strapping one on. Can I just be me? I'm tired of searching for labels that fit me. Butch, femme, trannyboi, transman, boi, dyke, genderqueer, genderfucked, stud, I don't know what else might possibly fit who you think I am... I don't even care. The rest of the world just sees a girl, who usually looks like a guy... who talks to high... I'm just a "me." 

And sometimes I still want to be able to fit under a label... if only to feel safe for a moment. 

oh and P.S.

I was "sir'd" all throughout breakfast the other day! It was fun :)

Thanks Guthrie

"I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you on account of your bad luck or hard traveling. I am out to fight those songs to my very last breath of air and my last drop of blood. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world and that if it has hit you pretty hard and knocked you for a dozen loops, no matter what color, what size you are, how you are built, I am out to sing the songs that make you take pride in yourself and in your work. And the songs that I sing are made up for the most part by all sorts of folks just about like you. I could hire out to the other side, the big money side, and get several dollars every week just to quit singing my own kind of songs and to sing the kind that knock you down still farther and the ones that poke fun at you even more and the ones that make you think you've not got any sense at all. But I decided a long time ago that I'd starve to death before I'd sing any such songs as that. The radio waves and your movies and your jukeboxes and your songbooks are already loaded down and running over with such no good songs as that anyhow." 

~ Woodie Guthrie

Oh and if any self-identified femmes are reading this, you should go read "Hats off to Beautiful Femmes" by Ivan E. Coyote. RIGHT NOW! mmk thanks. 

"...Don't run into the man..."

At Sports Authority trying on hiking boots:

Mother to her toddler son as he was playing on the benches: "Don't run into the man"

Me: Oh he's fine, not bothering me. 

Mother: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't look... um, you know you're just in the men's section and..."

Me: Really, it's not a big deal. 

I said hello to her son, smiled and continued trying on boots.

People are funny. 

best friend and ex

On my myspace page I've changed my name to Sam. Originally I simply created a new account for Sam and the people that know and left my old account with my birth name. Recently I changed the old one to say Sam. It still says female. My best friend / Ex-boyfriend was apparently on his little sister's myspace page and saw my picture with the name Sam. Today he at first casually mentioned it at lunch and asked if a) I was going by Sam to any friends, and b) if I am transgender or if I'm questioning it. 

I think I wrote about him in a previous post, about how nervous I was to tell him because we've known each other for almost seven years and we dated for about three. He knew everything about me, except my gender issues. Now he knows everything there possibly is to know. He said

"Part of me will always see you as Shira, I was in love with Shira. But I love you for who you are and I will always love you. I think you were brought into this life to figure out who you are. No one can tell you who you should be. You need to live your life and be comfortable with who you are. If you want me to start calling you Sam I have no problem doing that." 

Not an exact match, but pretty close. He's my best friend, will always be the person I can rely on no matter what. He may not always like what I do, but he respects me and I respect him. He helped me come out as a lesbian while he and I were dating... I will always cherish his friendship, for the rest of my life. 

oh my grandparents

I need to write a book about my grandparents... 

Every moment with them could lead to entirely new posts and things to discuss. I believe next year will be their thirtieth anniversary. Let's start with that shall we: 

Gma married the first Opa (grandfather in Dutch, don't ask me why we say Opa, we don't use any other dutch words) when she was 18 and she was Beautiful... I was looking at wedding books the other day, I mean seriously stunning. Anyhow, she was married to him for approximately twenty years, they got divorced, then seventeen years after that, she married his big brother. Next year will celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary. Thirty years! In my family, that's a long time. Hell, in the United States that's a long time. The four of them (My grandmother, her husband, my grandfather, and his wife) all spend holidays with the entire family, they stay at each other's houses and call to check up on each other on a regular basis. Maybe I'll talk about the rest of my funny family in another post, but for now that's enough background.

Memorable moments for the week (so far): 

Opa to gma: Took me 47 tries to get my top button buttoned. 

Gma: just keep working baby. im gonna have to start dressing you.

Opa: You just might ;)

Normal evening for grandparents - opa watches tv/reads in the living room, gma plays bridge on the computer in the office... This whole week, and last weekend they've been training Opa for bridge tomorrow morning gma's friends. He's nervous because he hasn't played in four years and also just not sure if his hands will cooperate with him enough to hold the cards... but they're totally still in love and it's adorable.

ftm episode of the listener

For all this episode has been aplauded for dealing with trans issues, it didn't go into very much of a story line... I think it's great that the media is starting to take not of trans issues, especially homeless youth, but you could in theory develop a whole tv show just around this character if you have him more depth... Good snapshot I suppose though. Maybe for now we're just taking what we can get?

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

What I really was attempting to say, but couldn't until I found this:

Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints: Adrian the FTM Hotty

There you have it... that's what I was trying to say, wrapped up in literary genius that my mind couldn't fathom this evening. 

Hello this is a test of the mobile device.

....edit to previous post...

The entire Transgender umbrella doesn't fall under some of the stuff I was talking about... You could totally call me out with almost any of these if you feel like it. 

FTM Childhood/Next Generation?

These are my worries, they may not be as organized as I'd like them to be. I am trying to make this as clear as possible. I hope no one takes offense at this. I am not saying anyone has made the wrong decisions or attacking anyone. I am in no way a professional, these are simply my views as they pop into my head. I will probably come back to this post and edit it many times. 

If almost every ftm in the industrialized world refers to their childhood and knowing that they were supposed to be born male in terms of "playing with trucks and climbing trees," what's going to happen to the next generation of tomboys, of girls who are perfectly happy, or at least tolerant, of their "womanly" parts? Or for that matter those who are ftm but never really understood the hyper-masculine identifications of their fellow men. 

Every article that I seem to read, or autobiography, or youtube channel... whatever, most talk about playing sports, working on cars, the hyper-masculine of our society. The problem with this is that's it. Is it all just a function of society? Breaking barriers in order to conform? And yet it cannot be solely that, because obviously we have cases of transexuals and transgendered people all over the world, different cultures and different ethnic groups. 

I am in no way accusing those people who are transitioning of simply taking an easy road, what I am suggesting though is that we need to re-examine why the individual is transitioning. I think the individual needs to think about their childhood... But more in terms of which bathroom did I want to use? did I question why my penis hadn't grown yet? Experts believe that you know your gender by a very early age, as early as two, and many transexuals can recall feeling the difference from the very beginning of their lives. Just because a man played with dolls as a child doesn't mean they're going to grow up gay, or transgendered. Just because a female runs around without her shirt on or plays with trucks all day, or prefers helping her dad fix the car, then help her mom clean the house... doesn't mean the opposite is true. In some cases, absolutely, it can be an indicator, but it shouldn't be taken as the end-all. If it is, then we're going to be stuck with a very gendered, and quite frankly, boring, world. This could regress society into the "female/male" roles when obviously that's not what we want. 

If we focus on our society and the western world, we see a very gendered world. When people break the gendered norm it is at the very least, taken note of. But what about in other cultures?

Cultures where it is normal for men to be the emotional ones, the ones who do the caretaking and women are the warriors and the bread winners? Or societies where there is in a equal balance? What about societies where men wear makeup and women do not? Would some people who identify as ftm here in our society, feel comfortable as a woman in that society? Does it matter? Should I even be asking the questions? I have no idea. 

What scares me is that really awesome, accepting, caring parents may push a child one way or the other. Push a young child to make decisions they may not be ready to make. Not to say that all children can't make the decisions, because some can. Obviously if a child is continuously asking when their penis is gonna grow, or vice versa, their breasts, then you might want to start paying attention... But just because they're more interested in the tow truck then the easy-bake, I wouldn't do anything too drastic. I believe it needs to be the individual's own journey. 

If you read my blog, or watch my youtube videos, you know I've had an interesting journey with my personal gender over the past year, and I don't believe it's over. I think gender is much more fluid than we would like to believe. Currently, as in this second, I identify as a somewhat butch lesbian/dyke who binds, who sometimes passes as a man, who won't correct you no matter what pronouns you use, who has only played softball once, who plays mother to all friends and is overprotective of them, who knit a baby blanket for her godson, who loves kayaking and being outdoors. I don't like binaries. I think they're boring and somewhat old fashioned. I'm a feminist. I like it when you call me "sir." I fit some stereotypes and shoot some in to miniscule pieces. I'm me. 

This is just the beginning of this entry. I'm sure I'll add more in the future. Feel free to add your thoughts.

i'm a copycat

1. I really don't think I can manage_____ today. 
it's the end of today and i didn't manage to do anything, not even leave the house... go me.

2. I had ____ for breakfast this morning.
yogurt at around 130. does that count as breakfast? When you don't get out of bed until then, it totally does.

3. Share some good news.
Driving across country in three weeks! 

And I just realized that people can still be in love after almost 30 years... My grandma and her husband, and my grandpa and his wife... and they all four get along. (That's for another blog though)

4. What was the last movie you saw and what did you think of it?
13 ghosts... I only watched part of it. I really hate scary movies, especially when I'm sick. Maybe I'm just more vulnerable or something.

5. If you had to, could you do a commentary for a sporting event?
I could make funny impressions of the sports commentators and probably of the sport... not actual commentary though. 

6. What makes you feel better when you're sick?
Ice Water/Tea (depending) and rasberry sorbet... or lipton chicken soup (again, depending)

7. What do you listen to in the car?
ipod on shuffle... that could mean anything

8. What are the last 5 foods you ate?
klondike bar, burger, avocado and pita chips, yogurt

9. Who was your first prom date?
Didn't go. 

10. What was your first grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Estep

11. How many weddings have you been in?

1 - my mom and papa when I was almost 6 months old. 

12. Who is on your "list"?
Angelina Jolie, Michelle Rodriguez, Keira Knightley

13. I love you more than ____
bubble gum ice cream? (i have no idea where that came from, 1st thing that came to mind)

14. Oranges or grapefruits?
grapefruits, sensory memories... my stepdad eats a grapefruit every morning when they're in season. :)

15. What is your earliest memories of first grade?
I remember Mrs. Estep and the classroom was sponge painted in pastel colors. and our small wooden desks. 

16. Would you ever choose money over love?
I don't think so... Love is love is love is love. 

17. Name 4 people who email you regularly:
Transqueernation, My father, Youtube, and probably the HRC or some other LGBT org. 

18. What were your favorite books as a child?
The Little House on the Prairie books: my mom and I read every single one. 

19. Have you ever been given an engagement ring?
No. I've given a promise ring per se. She broke the promises I wanted her to keep. 

20. Never in my life (have I)
been arrested *knock on wood*

from your lips she drew hallelujah

Turn your audio on if you're reading this. Listen to the first song on my playlist... 

are you? 

"I did my best, but it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you."

This song gives me the chills every time I hear it.  

I like the whole song but those three lines... Sometimes I feel like I could just apply them to almost all aspects of my life. I know she didn't write it, I know lots of other people have covered it too. But her version shakes me up. 

Right now I'm still processing Stone Butch Blues, and also my first serious girlfriend. and also my gender issues. and also my most recent ex. and with every new word I write, or person I think of

I didn't come to fool you... 

I sometimes feel like I'm shutting down, and sometimes today is just a new day to look forward to. Sometimes you have to have the courage to grow... 

Sometimes it's a cold and lonely hallelujah. 

Stone Butch Blues

I am still processing... I just finished Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, scream or sit silent.

As I finished reading Stone Butch Blues, "Mr. Lonely" comes on my itunes. Fitting, I chuckled softly. I choked back tears and apologized the entire reading for not understanding earlier, sooner. We grew up in a world so much more accepting than had I been born twelve years prior. You made it possible for us. And the ones before you made it possible, easier for you. Cris, with all your strength and your fear, I could rarely push through to break down the walls, I am sorry I didn't always push harder. I am sorry I wasn't more patient with you. I am so grateful for the times you let me through. I wish I could cry now but I know my walls have begun their assent as well. 

I don't know where I fit yet, where I belong. You should know that I go by Sam now in some circles, but not all. I look up to you as an elder, I mean it with the upmost respect. You taught me a lot about being able to be myself no matter the consequences and I treasure that, I always will. I hope that you find peace in your heart and your head and that wherever life takes you, you remember that you are strong, but you don't always have to be. Let someone in. You may be surprised. 

I feel like we have so much to learn, so much to gain from previous generations. We owe so much to them. To the butch/femme dichotomies, to the early transmen and the ones who refused to conform at all. We owe a generation so much and yet we forget. We don’t see it, or we choose to ignore it all. They fought for us, every day that they fought simply to survive each day and we can’t even honor who they are and were.

They are older, wiser, yes. But they also carry more pain than most of us could even imagine. They need our love and our protection. They need us to be strong for them. Actually, I have no idea what they need. I am not the individuals. But I know everyone needs love.

There is still a lump in the bottom of my throat and I can’t figure out if its because I identify with the character or am apologetic to my first really serious girlfriend. The only partner I have lived with, made a home with. She is twelve years my senior and encountered such a different world in her teenage years it frightened me then, and it frightens me now. 

I am still processing... still something. When I finish a piece of writing I like to leave it feeling finished, but this may be my never-ending journey. 

boi quotebook?

I think I should start keeping a quotebook of the things people say when they're trying to assign me a gender, or something to do with male/female word usage... I think it's funny.

eg: Helping gma get ready for Sunday Brunch in the kitchen at Temple: "this is Shira." "How do you pronounce that? Your grandson.... is very handsome." "grandaughter" "Oh I'm sorry!  you know, the way you're dressed, with those nice slacks and your hair so short! you know you really pull off that short hair, I wish I could do that!"

Old ladies are so cute sometimes. I don't think my grandma appreciated it too much though... 

You're morphing into a BOY

So said my parents good friend/one of my many mothers... this evening

I didn't know what to say. 

"I'm becoming me." I think it was fitting. 

Insomnia and that monthly thing...

I can't sleep. I have the shakes again, the late night (now early morning) leg cramps. Oh and those other cramps. The ones that make my whole body swell for a few days. Ugh. Sometimes I really, really hate this. Somedays, like this morning. I really really really have a strong dislike for this monthly thing that comes around.

I get really moody, and there's so much stuff to deal with. 

Luckily I just finished my last final at the community college, ever. That's right folks. I'm done. I can leave this town anytime I want to now. Ready for the next adventure. I'm really ready for something. 

I don't really know if my leg cramps are currently related to having smoked to many cigarettes last weekend and therefore going through withdrawals again. I know it's kind of strange but I went through some ridiculous withdrawals when I quit smoking. So in any case, I don't know if this is related to that or to the realllllly awful other cramps that come monthly and make me super moody and bloated and not so happy about any of this. 

The other random thing is, I added this tracker to the side of my page that says who is reading these... well actually it doesn't say WHO, it just says where the person is from and what internet browser they're using. It's kind of interesting. And kind of scary. Here's why it's scary... I know people in most of the cities it mentions. So do people I know read this and aren't letting me know they know I know stuff about stuff... Oh goodness. 

If you do read this and I don't know that you know. Please let me know. 

Ok thanks goodnight. 

Family and Religion Part 2

Grandparents, Judaism and Gender Discussions

PART 1 OF 2

Dating Trans?

I posted some version of this as a comment for someone's post here on blogspot. 

"Here's what I find interesting, and mind you this is coming from someone who is in the midst of attempting to figure out which side of the gender spectrum I fall on. In my research on transgender/transsexual issues, our culture seems to place more emphasis on a female staying with their transgendered partner even if they were lesbian before, or straight before. Whereas if the trans person was previously in a relationship with a cisgendered man, whether the person is MTF or FTM, the cis-man is not anywhere near as obligated to stay with said spouse. FTM that were previously in heterosexual marriages or relationships with men seem to break off the relationship before transitioning. MTF's do this too with their wives/girlfriends but it seems as though it is more frequent for the female to stay with the person even though they are MTF. Also gay women seem to be more accepting of dating transmen, than transwomen, even though this seems rather counterintuitive if we're actually seeing people for the gender they wish to be seen."

Now guaranteed there was probably a better way of wording all of that, but I hope you get my drift, whoever reads this... 

On the reverse of this, if everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum for sexuality and gender, and usually not on the binaries then maybe it is perfectly natural for some to be attracted to trans people even if they did not know they were trans before dating, even if the person was still pre-transition. Maybe if all of this gender stuff is just made up than we really just fall for the person. We obviously cannot help who we fall in love with, maybe those more towards the center on sexuality find that perfect balance in trans people. 

Just a few observations, let me know what you all think. 

meeting my godson...

 

I met my godson... He's adorable and will always be able to count on me for anything he will ever need. I will protect him and cherish him forever and always. His parents already know I'm going to spoil him rotten. :)

Transitioning, Friends and Body Hair

I wanted to talk about hair. 

I have not started Testosterone, I don't know if I ever will. but a lot of guys talk about body hair that has grown in once they start T. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of the changes guys mention in the beginning of their transitions, I have had since starting testosterone. My voice cracks randomly, I go between high and low all the time and I am acutely aware of it because my job is on the phone. Some guys mention new happy trails, chest hair, hair on their upper thighs... Yeah I have a lot of hair. In order to be more "girly" I used to shave my arms and my legs and even my stomach once or twice, but I felt naked. I like my hair. Maybe it makes me feel more masculine? Maybe that's what I was previously afraid of? I know hair is such a strange topic, but I know it means a lot to a lot of guys, as it does to me, in some ways. 

An interesting observation: I don't like hair on my legs but I think my happy trail is kind of sexy, if only I had a sixpack (I'm working on it, haha). 

Another thing I wanted to mention, or discuss is friendships. Three more friends have kind of "discovered" shall we say, my wanting to transition, and my mom almost found out but I said it was a joke... Anyways: My three friends that found out have said that they support and love me no matter what. I will never be able to tell them how greatful I am to them for their friendships. They mean the world to me and I love them with all my heart. It's sometimes hard to tell your closest friends, the ones you're most afraid of losing, so when they just come out and let you know that they're here for you. It's amazing. 

I think last week I posted the video of a compilation of photos from the trans march in San Francisco, well I showed the video to my mom, forgetting, maybe in some freudian slip, that at the end it says all photos taken by "Shira/Sam Geiger" she flipped out. I told her it was a joke and we left it at that... I'm just not ready for all of that. 

In other news, 

I might be taking a trip to Brazil in two weeks :)

Trans Pride - Rally & March

I took way too many pictures... but they came out great so I'll post some here. Click on the image if you want to see it larger. All images are copyright Sam/Shira Geiger-Gevirtz

If you want to use the images anywhere (this includes any website, video, print, etc. ANY MEDIA)or would like a print you MUST get my permission. All images were taken using TMAX 400 speed B&W film. It took me time, energy and money to make these photographs happen. PLEASE DON'T STEAL THEM! 

thanks! 

It's rather difficult to chew when you have a piece of oversize metal in your face...

I got a new piercing today... 

I took out my nose ring and really wanted a lip ring but they say I have to wait until the lip heals more... Hopefully it goes quickly. I don't really have a whole lot else to say today other than that San Francisco Pride was AWESOME!

I took three or four rolls of film all on the first day... woops. and then Saturday didn't bring my camera, rode in the dykes on bikes parade, drank too much vodka and have pictures from someone's camera to prove that too... I was too hungover on Sunday to go to the parade or any festivities... but it was still all in all a wonderful weekend and got to spend time with my brother and my friends. 

So while we're waiting for the first rolls of film to be processed here's some from someone's digital camera. 

Who AM I? How do I relate?

After much exploration and much deliberation and obviously this gender exploration will probably continue on for the rest of my life. But right now, in this moment, I feel solid in the fact that maybe I can be a Woman. A butch, woman... who likes drag a LOT. A woman who would prefer not to have these breast things (they get in the way and they look funny on my body), even though I absolutely love them on other womyn... 

I'll get to this pretty significant discovery in just a moment, first an update on last week:

My girlfriend and I broke up Thursday morning, all in all, I think it will be the best for the both of us. I don't have time for a relationship right now and she needs someone that can be around more often I think... I wish I could be there for her in this time but I think it's best that we each do our own thing.

I went to San Francisco Pride Thursday night, just got home a few hours ago. 

It was absolutely amazing. It was serious for me when it needed to be, fun and crazy but not too crazy. I didn't do anything I'd wake up regretting, except maybe dance around the streets, but who wasn't? It's PRIDE right? In fact, on the contrary of regretting things, I was able to agree  to leave differences behind and get to know someone better who I had previously disliked. 

Friday morning I woke up at my brother's, had breakfast with him and his girlfriend, they went up to visit her parents an hour north of San Francisco which left me to my own devices in their apartment, perfect actually, because I then changed and got to go to the trans rally/march in peace. Met up with a couple friends there and took wayyyy too many pictures (I'll post pictures when I get them developed, and when the people I went with post pictures and shtuff). 

More friends came up Friday night and stayed at my brother's apartment.

Saturday was shopping on Haight (Spent waay too much money, and bought my first pair of designer jeans (skinny jeans? me? you'll see the pictures). Really, you should only take a gay guy shopping with you if you have lots of extra money lying around, interestingly enough I just got my Financial Aid check... shhhhhh I swear I didn't spend over $200 in one day... oyyyy. 

Finally we got to the dyke march, as it was delayed 20million times as usual. I got on the back of a Honda it was awesome. Last year I was on a Triumph... Both awesome, but verrryyy different rides for sure. Then spent the next two hours trying to find my friends who have never been to SF and were somewhere in the walking mass of lesbians. Drank way too much vodka, had to pretend to be a straight friend's girlfriend so the guys would stop trying to kiss him (it was kind of his fault, he took off his shirt), had to then run between two groups of friends -- try doing that in the mass of people that was the Pink Party? Oy. But all in all it was a fun night. 

I woke up too hungover this morning to do anything besides pay a taxi to take me back to my brother's and then lie on the couch alllll day long, missed the parade, missed the festivities... didn't get much studying done for the midterm I have in 7 1/2 hours. Ummmm yeahhh... I hate statistics. 

Back to gender discussions:

I think that I've realized that for me... Sam, Shira or whatever name you call me. I'm just me. I don't wear dresses (unless it's a dare), when I wore heals I broke my foot. I'm not a girly girl, though some would argue to the contrary if you knew me when I was trying to be one. This is me. we all have our masculine and feminine qualities and maybe for me, the masculine is having fun in drag and being more butch than femme. I think in trying to please the world, I was trying to fit into this gender binary that we've mapped out to make it simple for society. But f*ck it. I don't fit all the time, and sometimes I do. 

I'm not saying I will always feel this way, but today I do. 

I don't mean to make it more difficult for transguys. You are all amazing. So brave for becoming the person you were meant to be. But part of what I realized this weekend, at the trans march, and at the dyke march... I belong with the dykes. That's where I "fit." I will always support the trans community, I will always fight for you, but I don't think that's who I am. 

I'm a dyke who doesn't care what pronoun you use for me. 

I'm a dyke and becoming proud to be one. 

Someone on youtube, or somewhere, as an insult called me a "carpet-munching dyke" and I responded... Why thank you! I am honored to be included in the masses of wonderful womyn. 

I know this was long-winded as usual. I'll probably post more on this topic of gender but for now have a wonderful morning!

Sincerely,

A re-born Carpet-Munching Dyke/genderqueer/butch

(Otherwise known as Shira or Sam depending on the day)

This is my life...

Finding my perfect balance of Yin/Yang, femininity and masculinity. We're all somewhere on this crazy spectrum, I just happen to feel most comfortable right in between, right now. It's not always like that. Tomorrow I may change my mind. I probably will. Fuck making people feel comfortable. Maybe this is just me.

Drag Review :D

The Drag Review was awesome... and not because the the drag queens were awesome (though they were). I got hit on by a gay man... UBER compliments to me. My head is like twenty times too big right now but I'll take it while it lasts. haha. Of course he did correct himself... but oh well. In a way only gay men can do, he gave me a  compliment I would never be okay with from a straight guy... he said "giirrrlll, you made me swell, you look FINE in that getup" (well actually i don't remember the exact words... but you get the idea... he said he got a hard on). Then preceded to tell me, after we introduced ourselves (I with my birth name because friends were there) that my birth name was no good. He suggested I look more like a Chuck than a Shira (birth name), my girlfriend immediately nixed that name idea... we like Sam, I told a really good friend tonight after we left the club and I think it's sticking. 

So this is what it feels like to pass, even if only for a moment. 

Welcome to a new day. 

Sincerely,

Sam Aaron. 

Interesting Contemplations

I feel conflicted 99% of the time. Maybe there is something to this "genderqueer"? I feel like the physical being of woman is the last thing I feel, but at the same time there is this very feministic perspective telling me to just be fluid. Maybe me just doesn't have to be defined? Can I be Sam and Shira. Feminine and Masculine. I'm me, but who is that and where do I fit in this spectrum we have? I know I've said this before. Some days I'm okay being a bit more feminine, most days I'm not. I like wearing my binder. I wish my chest just wasn't there. I like peeing standing up. I believe we all have feminine and masculine. Some days certain aspects show more than others. 

Life is a pendulum. 

Scars

The old scars hurt. 

It's my body telling me I don't have the courage to move on without them.

Every scar throbs, as if from only moments ago, scars long healed. The newest months ago. 

Where did my determination to live this better life go?

My mind turns to thoughts of yesterdays times. I believed giving up was easier, but it's so much harder. I can't live this life lying to myself. But if I tell my truth, will I be lying?

Every tissue hurts from my toes to my brain and every scar in between. 

It's almost father's day and I am afraid. I wish I was closer to him. Through almost no fault of his own I have distanced myself. Afraid of a rejection after so much support. It's almost father's day and I'll keep living this lie for probably many father's days to come. My courage seems dried up. I'm a scared child huddled in the corner. Gender binaries never seemed an issue until now, but I wasn't paying attention. Moving one day to the next. Trying to survive. 

Scars remind me I'm alive, that I can beat it again. Scars remind me that I'm scared, that I've slipped up before. 

Underworks Muscle T!

Just wanted to put up a quick note before I head down to LA for PRIDE! 

I just got the black compression Muscle T from Underworks. It doesn't do much compressing... might be better for a smaller chested guy. but its better to work out in than a full binder, probably because it doesn't compress what I want it to all that well... it seems to be compressing my stomach more than my chest... oh well. It does feel like I have more support for my back which is kind of nice since I do have some back problems, but not what I ordered it for. I have two binders coming from T-Kingdom in the next couple weeks so I'll show the comparison then. 

"It is better to be hated for what one is...

...than loved for what one is not."

I want to be able to document this for myself.

This is my life, these are my feelings and someday I'll have to accept that, even if others don't.

Yesterday I talked briefly about work and the gym, today I want to talk about family and my childhood. 

This will probably be a very long blog... If you read all of it I will be very proud of you.

Family, Sports and Growing up as a girl:

I have a very close-knit extended family. 

My parents both went to college here and are still friends with many of their college buddies and we children were all raised rather communally. Most of the moms I would consider almost as close to being my mother as my mother, their children my siblings. I currently live just outside of town with my grandparents but my parents and their friends are all in very close proximity.

I used to love the extended family feeling and having all my "siblings" to go through the growing pains with, as well as many trusted adults to turn to in times of turmoil. But now, I have this new fear. I feel as though it would be almost easier to transition if one didn't have such a close relationship with such a large group of people. Because my "family" is so intermingled and extended and close, I don't even know how to begin the process of telling people, or if I should at all. Yet at the same time, how long can I keep a secret something that has been building inside of me for so long? I almost died trying to hide it from myself... I hate lying to any of them, but would telling the truth completely isolate me from the family I have grown to cherish?

They knew me as a somewhat shy young girl. Always observant, always cautious of what others thought. But if I have only just now come to realize the reasonings behind my actions, how long will it take them to accept? or even tolerate? My grandfather still doesn't even understand that I'm in a relationship with a woman, even though she's at the house constantly and we hold hands in front of him. Or maybe he chooses to think it's "just a phase."

I used to think my parents and really, my whole extended family, were just as liberal, just as conscious of social injustice as I am, and as I know they raised me to be, yet I can also tell that their feelings have not progressed as much as even they would like them to; sometimes they admit to it, and sometimes they don't, but I know some of their prejudices still come through all the years of trying to overcome it. 

My "godbrother" and one "godsister" (as this is how we explain our brother-sister relation, but from here on out they'll just be referred to as sister or brother) are constantly nagging at me to wear some tighter clothes, to dress more "gender appropriate" (not their words, but you get the point). I know coming out as a lesbian freaked out my sister at first, my brother could probably care less. I think he likes being able to talk about one hot girl or another without having to feel somewhat awkward. They have both come to accept me for being a lesbian... but I don't feel like they would be able to fully understand me transitioning, and that's what scares me. Even when my parents don't understand me, they and their moms have always been there to help me through it until my parents come around and I don't know if they would this time. 

I know it will be much easier for friends who I have only met in the past year, as this is kind of all they've known. I have been much more comfortable with myself and dressed in clothing I feel comfortable in. But for my extended family, for my siblings and close friends throughout the years. I am very scared. 

So scared that I have thought about not going through any of this, but then I think about living in this body, this body that makes me so uncomfortable, for the rest of my life, and some part of me thinks it must be worth it. Another part of me wants to run away from this town and all the people in it that knew me as I used to be, to go somewhere far away where I could start a brand new life. 

These people, my family. They knew me when I conformed to gender stereotypes because I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew how I was supposed to act. I was a very observant child. Everyone tells me that even as a baby I would sit and watch people, as I grew older I was constantly aware of what the adults were saying, how they were reacting to each child, how boys and girls were socialized differently. 

My History:

As a "cute girl in a dress" I could get away with almost anything. I was "daddy's girl" and I was always with the adults because I wanted to know what they were saying. If I was on the other side of the house and some adult softly said my name, I would hear it and rush over asking why they were talking about me. 

In elementary school I wanted to play with the boys, I wanted to climb trees and play football, but I saw how girls that tried to were treated and so instead I never learned. Even when the female P.E. coach would encourage the girls to play I never did unless it was mandatory. I wanted to, but I knew what the boys were saying and I was too self-conscious to join in. Also, my depth-of-field has always been off and never fully diagnosed so I think that was another thing that turned me off from sports. I couldn't see how far away the ball was in any sport, so I couldn't catch it, I couldn't hit it with a bat, and only rarely could I make it into a goal or a basket... In basketball, if I could aim at exactly the same spot every time, I could make a basket by memorizing where to put each foot, each hand... but it didn't work very well when it came time to play another team.  

I sat on the sidelines, I learned how to knit, how to crochet, I dressed in dresses and skirts on occasion and gossiped with the girls, but it never felt comfortable. I always felt like I was being judged, like they knew I was different and I just could not figure out what it was for the life of me. When the first girl in our class got her period I was jealous because I felt like that would confirm that I was a girl, same with wearing a bra. I didn't feel like a girl so I thought if I had those things, and that once I started puberty, I would feel more like a girl. But it didn't work that way, at least for me.

I was not a tom-boy, not by any stretch of the imagination. I tried, I tried really hard, to be the most stereotypical girl, and on the outside it worked perfectly. That is why it will be so hard for people to accept now. Maybe if I had been more athletic, more like a "tom-boy" they would have an easier time accepting me now, but I know they will refer to the days when I wore make-up and dresses and tell me that all of this is something made-up. Some ploy for attention.

Already, my mom says she doesn't recognize me, and I haven't even begun to transition physically but I'll go into that later.

In eighth grade I started cutting my wrists. I had friends, I had boyfriends even, but I was very depressed. I didn't know what it was but I wrote in my journal about feeling like there was a "dark deep black hole in my chest" and I couldn't figure out what it was. While I was cutting my arms I would have fantasies of cutting off my breasts, but I dismissed them. I didn't know what transgender was or even that it was a possibility. I was a "nice Jewish girl" or at least that is what I would have liked people to believe. On this inside I was struggling just to get by, telling myself it would get better. I just needed to get used to my body.

Freshman year of high school I lost my virginity on halloween, came out as bisexual, shaved my head with a venus razor at 1am in January, had my first girlfriend, had my first shot of vodka, passed out in a friend's car, had my mom take care of me after taking mushrooms and started dating a drug-dealer. Ditched class at least once a day and almost failed out of school, all in my first year. 

After that year I knew something was not working. I had to make a change, and I did. I started doing a program that allowed me to take college classes to fulfill my high school requirements. I loved the program and graduated with decent grades one semester ahead of schedule. During this time I started dating my best-friend, a guy, and we ended up dating for almost three years, with small breaks in between. We would break up, each thinking I was gay, I would finally come out, everything would be fine. But I was not ready to give up our relationship, essentially our friendship. I was afraid I would lose everything. He was my rock and he is still my rock. The one person I can tell everything and anything too, well almost everything... I haven't told him this part. I am much too afraid to lose his friendship again. 

When I finally came out as a lesbian I felt like some huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe. It was an amazing experience to come out and to be able to hold a girl's hand without weird questions. I became a very stereotypical "baby dyke." I wanted to be Out and Proud. And I was, I still am I suppose. But I also could still feel there was something wrong. 

I still cut myself on occasion and I couldn't figure out why. I hated and still don't like most showers, I don't like looking at myself. It's not that I don't like the way my body looks in general. I just don't want it to be mine. I have never been comfortable in this skin. It doesn't feel like mine. 

I've watched some ftm (female to male) youtube videos that talk about how they could never look at their bodies. Well I was the opposite; I look and I stare and I examine. I tried so hard to feel like this is my body, but I could never feel empowered by it. I felt so disconnected. Sometimes I think I cut myself to make sure it really was my body. Somehow feeling the pain and seeing the blood, would make it a reality. Maybe I could come to accept this strange body if only I could feel what was happening to it. 

I used to do this with sex too. I would have sex with someone, boy or girl, but feel completely disconnected most of the time. Sometimes they'd notice, sometimes not. But I would attempt to make them feel better. I was attempting to feel something, anything at all.

A Realization:

When a friend I knew started to transition, I didn't understand why a woman couldn't just be proud of being a "butch" lesbian. What was the difference anyhow? I started watching these ftm videos, and I connected with them to some extent, and it definitely made me think, but it didn't really fully click with me. 

I did start dressing in more "boyish" clothes, and during the winter, what with layers and things covering my chest, I passed with strangers almost every day, even when I wasn't trying. I was referred to as "sir" directly at least a couple of times. One particularly disasterous day my mother and I were about to have lunch when a woman stopped us, asking us to sign an environmental petition or something. She said to my mother "Would you and your... son like to sign this?" My mother glared at me and I smiled and said sure, we would love to. After we were well out of earshot of the woman, my mother said it was because she could tell I was wearing boys underwear and "why are your pants so loose?" I changed the subject quickly.

It wasn't until my girlfriend and I were together in my car a couple of weeks ago and she innocently tried to touch my upper thigh, and my hip, that I fully realized what this is. I shuttered and couldn't seem to control my discomfort anymore. She thought it was her, thought she had done something wrong, or that I didn't love her. 

It was then that I realized I had to tell her how I was feeling. I couldn't let another person think it was something they did. I love my girlfriend and I couldn't have asked her to be more accepting, I couldn't have imagined a better outcome if I had tried. 

I was expecting the worst and immediately put up my guard, trying my best to not feel emotions I was sure would come. I told her that I don't feel comfortable in this body, that I frequently have a debate between my body and my brain on what should be. That I frequently feel like I should be a boy and not a girl. What I realized is that it's not about what clothes I wear, or what sports I play. For me it is entirely the anatomy that I do not feel comfortable with. I don't like the breasts, I don't like the wide hips, or what's missing from down there. I wish I could love my body the way I love women but I just don't feel connected to it. I feel like it belongs to someone else and I'm simply inhabiting it. Like I'm a drag queen and someday I'll be able to take off the costume and be me.  

My girlfriend cried and told me that she loves me. She said that she is happy I told her. She said that I am beautiful, and that it is the beauty on the inside that counts, not the outside. 

This Body and This Brain...

... they like to fight each other.

I thought I could do this with youtube. Let my fears go, my insecurities wide out in the open where you can see me, now that is scary. First of all, I do not like talking in front of people, especially when people could include people I actually know. It gets scary. Just think, who could spot your youtube video somewhere and realize "Oh shit... I knew... wait wtf is she talking about? She's not she anymore????" These are the fears I have and whether or not they have grounds is irrelevant at this point. Fears are fears. I will leave the two videos that are there up. I might randomly post more as I physically change, just to document that portion. But I must say, there is something about writing it down that I feel much much more comfortable with. 

The Gym:

I just got back from the gym and I feel very conflicted. Part of me loves going to the gym and part of me just can't stand it. I love going to the gym because I know the gym is the only thing I can do right at this moment to make me look more like the man I feel I should be. The big huge muscled guys that work out there give me inspiration, because someday... someday I'll be able to do that too, someday. But the gym also has mirrors in every room at every angle, you see absolutely everything that you cannot stand. I can't stand that in my gym shorts my hips look even wider than usual, I can't bind at the gym because it hurts too much, so you can see the outline of my breasts as well. In comparison to all the guys my arms are way too skinny and compared to  most, my legs are too. So I love it, and I hate it. I also hate the locker room. I am nowhere near passing enough to go into the men's locker room so I use the women's, which makes changing awkward and I usually go in the bathroom stall. With my boxers or briefs, I must look kind of strange just being in there. 

Work:

I work for a telephone fundraising company. We call previous donors and raise money for non-profits and political organizations. It is fairly easy work and the pay is alright, yet every time I say "Hello" my heart sinks just a little bit because I know they hear a woman's voice and not a man's. I know the pitch is too high and I know they'll say "yes mam" or "excuse me miss." When I'm walking around downtown I can sometimes pass. Sometimes I'm referred to as "Sir." But at work, for eight hours a day or however long I'm there, it is so hard to talk on the phone and to listen to myself speak. The good thing about the job is that is have given me the opportunity to attempt to start playing around with my voice, changing it up a bit when I can... but it is very difficult to keep it up for an entire four-minute phone call. 

Anyways, that's it for tonight. I am so tired, work in the morning.