Maybe none of it matters right now

Maybe none of it matters. Maybe I was just afraid of concentrating on the right now. Afraid of living my life. Maybe it helped me to concentrate on the what-ifs and the who knows? To philosophize everything, overanalyze every inch of my life. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live in this moment. Look back fondly on those moments that make my heart beat more happily and attempt to learn from the mistakes I know I've made and will make. I've had a long week. I met my girlfriend's mother and sister and spent thanksgiving with them. All day Saturday I guiltily watched Grey's Anatomy... all day long.

Sunday my mother called me. She called to tell me that she really didn't want to discuss this over the phone but that her and my step-dad are separating. After being together for over fifteen years. Poof. I like my families. I was comfortable in the crazy wacky world that is my life. I was really happy knowing that we have some strange family dynamics. For the majority of my life I like to say that I had two families and we all fit together very nicely. My mom and papa (dad) they were roommates in an attic in a house full of hippies. My dad was 24, almost 25 and my mom was 30 when I was born. They got married when I was five months old and divorced before I turned three. I was never sad that they weren't together. They are, and have always been, great friends and I hope it remains that way for the rest of my life. My mom dated a couple of guys I barely remember and then when I was five she met my stepdad. They dated for four years before deciding to get married and finally got married when I was ten. I was really excited. I love my stepbrother, my stepdad took some time adjusting to, but I really do love him too. My dad dated some women I wasn't too fond of and then around the time my mom got married, my dad met the most amazing woman who I would love to call my stepmother... They were together for ten years and then broke up two years ago. They still love each other. But my father was too afraid of commitment until it was too late for her. Her daughter is fifteen now, almost sixteen. These are my families. They were all at every birthday, every important event in my life. They all have been there for me through every hell I've given them. I love my family because we're odd and disjointed and some would probably think it's a bit nuts that this year for Rosh Hashana dinner, my mom's mom had my dad, and my dad's ex girlfriend and her daughter and my mom at my grandmother's together when I was all the way across the country, nothing forcing them together. I love my family. But my family seems to be falling apart and I don't know how to hold it together. I need them to stick together. It's the only way I know how to exist in this world is with my crazy family. My stepdad lives in San Francisco now, they're on a "trial separation" I hate that phrase... What does it mean anyways? false hope? does Separation mean they'll actually try? I know in theory I won't lose my stepbrother or my stepdad, they won't disappear from my life. They won't because we all love each other. But I need them to be there. I need them to be there when I come home for my twenty-first birthday, the first time after being gone for seven months. My step-dad has always been the one to calm my mom down enough so she could calm my dad down when I'm about to go after something I want, or get a new tattoo. He's the one not just encouraging me to explore the world, but demanding it. He's the one excited for me, when I'm excited about a new tattoo. He gets it. And he gets when I'm not happy too. I need them all in my life. I need them in life as my family. My crazy-dysfunctional, functional family. I need it to work.