I thought I could do this with youtube. Let my fears go, my insecurities wide out in the open where you can see me, now that is scary. First of all, I do not like talking in front of people, especially when people could include people I actually know. It gets scary. Just think, who could spot your youtube video somewhere and realize "Oh shit... I knew... wait wtf is she talking about? She's not she anymore????" These are the fears I have and whether or not they have grounds is irrelevant at this point. Fears are fears. I will leave the two videos that are there up. I might randomly post more as I physically change, just to document that portion. But I must say, there is something about writing it down that I feel much much more comfortable with.
The Gym:
I just got back from the gym and I feel very conflicted. Part of me loves going to the gym and part of me just can't stand it. I love going to the gym because I know the gym is the only thing I can do right at this moment to make me look more like the man I feel I should be. The big huge muscled guys that work out there give me inspiration, because someday... someday I'll be able to do that too, someday. But the gym also has mirrors in every room at every angle, you see absolutely everything that you cannot stand. I can't stand that in my gym shorts my hips look even wider than usual, I can't bind at the gym because it hurts too much, so you can see the outline of my breasts as well. In comparison to all the guys my arms are way too skinny and compared to most, my legs are too. So I love it, and I hate it. I also hate the locker room. I am nowhere near passing enough to go into the men's locker room so I use the women's, which makes changing awkward and I usually go in the bathroom stall. With my boxers or briefs, I must look kind of strange just being in there.
Work:
I work for a telephone fundraising company. We call previous donors and raise money for non-profits and political organizations. It is fairly easy work and the pay is alright, yet every time I say "Hello" my heart sinks just a little bit because I know they hear a woman's voice and not a man's. I know the pitch is too high and I know they'll say "yes mam" or "excuse me miss." When I'm walking around downtown I can sometimes pass. Sometimes I'm referred to as "Sir." But at work, for eight hours a day or however long I'm there, it is so hard to talk on the phone and to listen to myself speak. The good thing about the job is that is have given me the opportunity to attempt to start playing around with my voice, changing it up a bit when I can... but it is very difficult to keep it up for an entire four-minute phone call.
Anyways, that's it for tonight. I am so tired, work in the morning.
Totally hear where you're coming from Sam. Some of the strongest dysphoria I feel is with my voice and how it makes other people perceive me.
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