Who AM I? How do I relate?

After much exploration and much deliberation and obviously this gender exploration will probably continue on for the rest of my life. But right now, in this moment, I feel solid in the fact that maybe I can be a Woman. A butch, woman... who likes drag a LOT. A woman who would prefer not to have these breast things (they get in the way and they look funny on my body), even though I absolutely love them on other womyn... 

I'll get to this pretty significant discovery in just a moment, first an update on last week:

My girlfriend and I broke up Thursday morning, all in all, I think it will be the best for the both of us. I don't have time for a relationship right now and she needs someone that can be around more often I think... I wish I could be there for her in this time but I think it's best that we each do our own thing.

I went to San Francisco Pride Thursday night, just got home a few hours ago. 

It was absolutely amazing. It was serious for me when it needed to be, fun and crazy but not too crazy. I didn't do anything I'd wake up regretting, except maybe dance around the streets, but who wasn't? It's PRIDE right? In fact, on the contrary of regretting things, I was able to agree  to leave differences behind and get to know someone better who I had previously disliked. 

Friday morning I woke up at my brother's, had breakfast with him and his girlfriend, they went up to visit her parents an hour north of San Francisco which left me to my own devices in their apartment, perfect actually, because I then changed and got to go to the trans rally/march in peace. Met up with a couple friends there and took wayyyy too many pictures (I'll post pictures when I get them developed, and when the people I went with post pictures and shtuff). 

More friends came up Friday night and stayed at my brother's apartment.

Saturday was shopping on Haight (Spent waay too much money, and bought my first pair of designer jeans (skinny jeans? me? you'll see the pictures). Really, you should only take a gay guy shopping with you if you have lots of extra money lying around, interestingly enough I just got my Financial Aid check... shhhhhh I swear I didn't spend over $200 in one day... oyyyy. 

Finally we got to the dyke march, as it was delayed 20million times as usual. I got on the back of a Honda it was awesome. Last year I was on a Triumph... Both awesome, but verrryyy different rides for sure. Then spent the next two hours trying to find my friends who have never been to SF and were somewhere in the walking mass of lesbians. Drank way too much vodka, had to pretend to be a straight friend's girlfriend so the guys would stop trying to kiss him (it was kind of his fault, he took off his shirt), had to then run between two groups of friends -- try doing that in the mass of people that was the Pink Party? Oy. But all in all it was a fun night. 

I woke up too hungover this morning to do anything besides pay a taxi to take me back to my brother's and then lie on the couch alllll day long, missed the parade, missed the festivities... didn't get much studying done for the midterm I have in 7 1/2 hours. Ummmm yeahhh... I hate statistics. 

Back to gender discussions:

I think that I've realized that for me... Sam, Shira or whatever name you call me. I'm just me. I don't wear dresses (unless it's a dare), when I wore heals I broke my foot. I'm not a girly girl, though some would argue to the contrary if you knew me when I was trying to be one. This is me. we all have our masculine and feminine qualities and maybe for me, the masculine is having fun in drag and being more butch than femme. I think in trying to please the world, I was trying to fit into this gender binary that we've mapped out to make it simple for society. But f*ck it. I don't fit all the time, and sometimes I do. 

I'm not saying I will always feel this way, but today I do. 

I don't mean to make it more difficult for transguys. You are all amazing. So brave for becoming the person you were meant to be. But part of what I realized this weekend, at the trans march, and at the dyke march... I belong with the dykes. That's where I "fit." I will always support the trans community, I will always fight for you, but I don't think that's who I am. 

I'm a dyke who doesn't care what pronoun you use for me. 

I'm a dyke and becoming proud to be one. 

Someone on youtube, or somewhere, as an insult called me a "carpet-munching dyke" and I responded... Why thank you! I am honored to be included in the masses of wonderful womyn. 

I know this was long-winded as usual. I'll probably post more on this topic of gender but for now have a wonderful morning!

Sincerely,

A re-born Carpet-Munching Dyke/genderqueer/butch

(Otherwise known as Shira or Sam depending on the day)